We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
