I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
