Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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