I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
