I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
