i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
