it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
