We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
