I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
