Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
