i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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