Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
