The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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