where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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