The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
