i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
