and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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