she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
