I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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