That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
