Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I want a musical about memes.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
