you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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