I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
