I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
