There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
