god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
