dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
