I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
