if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
