So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
