You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
