Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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