yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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