I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
