you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
