My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
