I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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