guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
