It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
