who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
