Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
