I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
