my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
