So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
