i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Randomize
