just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
