this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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