btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
