at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We have started to decorate penises.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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