Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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