I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
