If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
